Why I Write

Originally written on 22 Oct 09 Thursday

I write, because at times it is safer than speaking. I write, because it is always easier than saying things out loud. I am terrified of public speaking. I write to love. I write to hate. I write when I am afraid. I write to feel brave. Writing feels safe. I write to be close. I write to keep my distance. I write to entertain, to create laughs and giggles. I write to inform. I write to communicate. I write an annual "family newsletter." I write for celebrations. I write to express condolences. I write to see inside my own head and heart. I write to keep things to myself. I write to cook. I write to clean. I write to be dirty. I write to be naughty.... I write, because it can be dangerous. I write to feel free, to spin around in circles, arms outstretched, face turned up to the sun. I write to feel passion. I write to inspire. I write to remember to be inspired. I write for sweet smelling flowers. Sometimes I write numbers. I write to pay bills. I write, because I didn't go to college and get my own career. I write, because I don't want to go to college. I write, because my husband can't spell. I write, because I love the melodic flow of my pen across the paper. I write, because I love words like "onomatopoeia." I write colors, smells, sights, feelings. I write, because that is what I'm driven to do. I write songs. I write emotions. I write for the public. I write for the utmost privacy. I write respect. I write compliments. I write scathing insults. I write for spite. I write hugs. I write kisses. I write "dot dot dot." I write flowing brooks, rustling leaves, and pungent aromas. I write driving rains, ominous clouds, and foreboding fogs. I write on the run. I write in the sand. I once wrote on my desk at school. I write expressions. I write meditations. I write dreams. I write heartaches. I write loving memories. I write for the love of friends. I write for my children. I write for my husband. I write for the ones I love. I write, because I love.

Almost Homecoming

Homecoming is right around the corner for us. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t scared shitless, because I am. I have no clue what to expect from my husband. He has seemed to be “normal” for most of this deployment, but the last few times I’ve talked with him, something changed. He’s not the same guy that I remembered. I could almost hear something that sounded like defeat in his voice.

He’s also started being a bit insensitive. It hasn’t seemed as though he was taking my feelings into consideration. I understand that he’s got a lot on his mind, but he does still have a family back home, and a wife that would like to hear that he still loves her once in a while. There are days when it gets very hard to keep my frustration in check. Those are the days when he is very lucky that I can’t call him, and give him a piece of that frustration.

This is our first deployment. I find myself often with my arms outstretched, palms facing upward. Hoping for an idea of what I should be thinking, and feeling, to come to me. There are days when I think I know what’s going on, but lately those days have been few and far between. For a time, I was going through the motions: feed the children, feed the dogs, clean up after the children, clean up after the dogs, bathe the children, bathe the dogs. Day in and day out, until suddenly I realized that it was already July.

An unexpected shake up finds me expecting my husband home a couple weeks early. There are parts of me that are ecstatic to see him, and others that would rather I had that time back to prepare. Or even longer. I feel guilty for not being completely over the moon to see him, but everyone keeps telling me that he’s going to come back a changed man. Will it be good, or bad? And if he does change for the better, will it stick?

What about the kids? The children are now 2 and 3, they know that Daddy has been at work for a very long time. He’s been off helping the good people, and fighting the bad guys. I have finally told them that Daddy will be home soon, and that we need to get ready for it. But, how do you get toddlers ready for homecoming? Is the youngest going to remember him? Or run screaming for the hills when this stranger in cammies comes at her and asks for a hug?

And the dogs, oh the dogs! Anyone that’s been to my house, knows how my fur-children react to strangers. They have been Momma’s girls for the last six months, who is this guy suddenly trying to discipline them and telling them when and where to poo? I think that will be a very loud reunion.

On the flip side, what if they all completely take to my husband’s return? I have been caring for all of them for so long, I’m not sure I’m ready to give up the crown just yet. I like being the ultimate force in the house. Now I have to share that power? I don’t know how I feel about that.

Don’t get me wrong, there are things that I’m looking forward to. I miss having someone come home to me everyday. I can’t wait to share disciplining-that is tiring after a while. We have some very headstrong princesses in our kingdom. I am so looking forward to having someone to pick up the dog poo. And of course the intimacy, he he he, the intimacy.

This is a very scary place to be right now. Do the positive and negative possibilities cancel each other out? Will everyone behave? Will the flights land on time, and will everything run smoothly so that I’ll get him back when planned? Did he actually shave off the Afghanistache?

My husband and I have never been apart for this long. Very soon we’ll know if we were successes, or otherwise. He’ll see all the things I changed in the house. All the events that were held in our home. He’ll see the ghetto dog kennel that was erected in our backyard. And hopefully, he’ll see just how much we missed having him home with us.

Our Marine Corps, Our Family

They say that the Marine Corps is a family, and I’d like to believe that. And, there is no better time to witness the Marine Corps family in action, than during a deployment. I know that were it not for the support of my sisters in arms, I would have gone mad by now.

First of all, it starts with our wonderful Family Readiness Officer, Mrs. Mary Mathews. She has been given the responsibility of overseeing the welfare of not only the Marines of the unit, but also their families. There are somewhere around 700 Marines in my husband’s unit. That’s a lot of guys, and then you add in the spouses, children, parents and whoever else the Marine chooses. It’s enough to make your head spin!

That woman deserves every penny of her salary, and then some. She has even helped friends of mine whose husbands are not in her unit. And for the first four months of this deployment, she did it all on her own. She had absolutely no volunteers. Give that woman a medal! And some cherry cordials, they’re her favorite.

I have received I don’t know how many calls from women, not because they were in the hospital or having an emergency, but because a friend was. And if for some reason that young mother needs to stay in the hospital overnight, there are a number of people ready to step up and babysit.

This sisterhood that was formed the day that our Marines left warms my heart. I spoke with Mary once (after yet another crisis had occurred) and asked her, “has anyone ever had a deployment this eventful?” She answered, “With this many trips to the hospital, I don’t know. But, they definitely have more wife drama!” And you know what? As much as I don’t wish anyone to the ER, I prefer this to the drama.

I would rather us banding together in times of need, than stabbing each other in the back. Our men are overseas fighting for freedom, and to make sure the fight stays over there. And back home, the women have nothing better to do than to say bad things about each other, and call one another names? I have a problem with that. You ladies need to find a better use for your time.

Not to say that this unit is without its drama, but even that showed our cohesiveness. When one person tried to stir the pot, it made the rest of us even closer. We learned who are friends were, and what was good for our group. We stood together proud of ourselves, proud of our Marines, proud to be Marine wives, and not afraid to tell the world.

We’re closing in on homecoming now, and it seems the chaos has changed type. Plans are being made by wives not in the area, to move here. Parties are being held to make banners for loved ones. Baby showers are being thrown for little ones that just can’t wait for daddy. Wives are reuniting and resparking friendships. Or meeting for the first time, and finding kindred spirits.

Pre-homecoming Meet and Greets are in the organizational stages. And I’ve already had more than one wife (or mother) tell me that this isn’t their first deployment, but it is the first get together of this type. I would love to meet the person standing next to me, waiting to charge the busses, before that day. To have a chance to share stories in a more relaxed setting. (Of course, preferably one where I’m able to stuff my face.) So that when we’re standing there Homecoming day, I’m not afraid to spark a conversation and make the time fly by faster.

It’s been a long week, I’m quite tired. But I find comfort in knowing that I have a telephone full of numbers that I can call to find a sitter if I need a moment. Or if I need someone to listen as I vent about the week’s hardships. I also relish in knowing that all those people in my contact list, or out in the Facebook world, know that they can call on me at any time. Be it at 1430 or 0230, I will always answer.

I could not have made it through this deployment without the constant support and reassurance I get from those ladies. Thank you CLB-6 sisters, for reminding me that not all the horror stories about us are true. The Marine Corps is a family. A small, at times, very tight knit family. And it’s almost time for a Family Reunion.

Homcoming-limbo

My little princess turned two today. It was so sweet. Her Daddy sent me a text from Afghanistan a minute after I updated my Facebook status. Thank you Facebook world, for wishing my baby a happy birthday. She appreciated each and every comment. Ha! If you believe that a two year old really gave a whoot who said what on my Facebook, you’re seriously deluded.

Obviously Daddy was not here for the festivities--hence the text messages from abroad. He said he didn’t have time to call, but I was glad to hear from him today, one way or another. He told me that he had received the most recent packages that were sent to him. Including the ones for Father’s Day & our wedding anniversary, and his birthday. I am very proud of those care packages, thank you very much. I worked hard on them.

Between two boxes, I sent him ten greeting cards, two books, cupcakes, candles, army men, novelty t-shirts, and one hot pepper necktie. Oh, and one package of thirty-six noisemakers. I wanted to make sure that my husband could celebrate with all the fan fair that I would have given him if he were here. I would like to think that he also groaned at all the fan fair just as he always does when he’s home.

We’ve reached a very pivotal point in the deployment. I like to call it Homecoming-limbo. Most of the deployment is over. I have a generally-specific idea of when my husband will be arriving. The banner has been ordered and received. I’ve taken care of my end of all the special homecoming projects. I have the outfit, even.

But, we still have many moons to wait until the hubbs returns. I can’t do the psycho-Homecoming clean, my children will mess up the house in less than a day. I can’t shampoo our carpets, the kids and dogs will create more stains within a week. We live on base, so no travel plans to make. I’m hard-pressed to find things to keep my mind occupied for the next **** weeks. (ah ah ah ... OPSEC, I can’t tell you how many weeks are left, sillies!)

Now, I’m sitting here blogging. Editing, writing, cooking, eating and entertaining. Yet, my mind still has time to wander and think about the fact that Homecoming is getting closer, but is still so far away. The only thing left to do is to fall back on a classic. I think I’ll head to Youtube and do a search. “Bored Marines” sounds about right, should keep me entertained for at least a few days.

Happy Birthday, My Papi

Today is my husband’s birthday, and I’m not going to be able to spend it with him. I don’t even know that I’ll be able to talk to him at all. The strange part is, I’m okay with that. It’s not that I don’t love him, it’s not that I don’t care, but I know that he is extremely busy right now. He’s taking care of what he needs to, so that he can come home to us safe, and in one piece.

It’s amazing how being married to someone in the military changes your prospective. Four years ago, I would’ve kicked my husband out for missing our anniversary. This year, I celebrated alone. I was traveling, actually. The girls and I were stuck overnight in Atlanta, and didn’t make it home until our anniversary. I knew that my husband was out on a mission, and I didn’t hold out any hope for a phone call. Imagine my delight, and surprise, when I received a text/email from my love two days later telling me how sorry he was that he wasn’t able to call on our special day. It blows my mind how this time apart has made my husband so sentimental.

My husband is, for lack of a better term, an ass. He has been called a jerk at times, also. He celebrates birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries because I make him. I remind him when he needs to call his mother on her birthday. Sorry Cindy, he still doesn’t remember, after being your son for 29 years, when your birthday is. I buy gifts and write his name on the card for him. Or, I hold out the card for him to sign, and then afterward he asks me who the card is for.

But since being apart, he has sent me flowers for Valentine’s day. Jesse let me pick out my birthday gift. He has sent me three gifts from Afghanistan. And he remembered our anniversary. Who is this man? And what has he done with my husband?

Apparently, this deployment has changed him.

This month has been a hard one without Jesse. I went home to Iowa on vacation. We were there for a week, and were part of a huge celebration at the Buddhist Temple. Jesse would’ve loved it. He loves to learn about my family’s culture and religion. Oh, and the food! I smile just thinking about the kid-in-a-candy store grin he gets on his face when he gets to eat asian food.

The anniversary of his graduation from Boot Camp is the day before our wedding anniversary. Half a week later was Father’s Day. Today is his birthday, and the month rounds out with Abby’s second birthday next week. All very special occasions for me. All times when I bribe him into a good mood with food.

I miss my other half. But I’ve learned that even though he misses all these moments back home, he is doing something much needed. If he weren’t off where he is, doing what he does, we may not be able to enjoy these birthdays, holidays and anniversaries. Since being married to my Marine, I’ve learned not to take the little things for granted. Because even when he’s “home,” he isn’t always home for the celebrations. He’s first married to the Marine Corps, and sometimes she gets all his attention.